...except sometimes it's no you doing the complicating, sigh!
Saturday, 30 August 2014
Friday, 29 August 2014
New tyres & the gratitude attitude
I had to head to Central on a month-end Friday afternoon before a holiday. I was fighting down a growing feeling of trepidation as I rushed back up the stairs to make a quick coffee in the hope that it would enable my eyes to remain on the road during the arduous chugging through traffic. I don't know how it is in other small islands, and considering the frequency of public holidays in our paradisiacal island I have no idea why it is so here, but in Trinidad that combination creates a certain level of mayhem and an abundance of traffic; especially heading East and South!
But having actually, not to mention uncharacteristically, left enough time, I hurried and hassled my son out of the door, (having subjecting him to the indignity of reassigning his outfit and combing through his lengthening afro). Of course I had squeezed in another wee activity on route...buying some healing crystal jewellery for some of my dearest friends...but I digress.
So there I was, driving in traffic when I suddenly realised the fearful noise I was hearing was coming from my car. Without having to think too hard I knew, without a doubt, that it was my tyre. It was a sorry state of affairs...I knew the tyres needed changing, my sister had reiterated it quite forcefully when borrowing my car and getting a flat several months ago. But until I could bring myself to assign the cash in that direction, I'd been making sure to pump the tyres weekly in a hope to buy myself time. I did: about four months...but it was up! So I limped my poor Wingroad through traffic, trying desperately to not envisage the damage I was doing to the rim, and made it to a gas station, naively expecting help. Boy was I wrong on that one! I was harassed and hustled out of the forecourt and left to change the totally destroyed tyre, which looked like it had lost a particularly brutal encounter with a machete, alone.
Fortunately for me, the line I give the bike guys when they balk at my cycle incompetence, that I can totally handle myself with tyre issue on cars turned out to still be true. I changed that tyre like a pro, with a little assistance from my son who I thought may as well learn a useful skill. He of course told me that it was not in fact useful, as in the relatively near future robots would do that kind of arduous chore! But he did sit in the rubble, with the fierce sun beating down on his bounteous curls and assisted, probably designing the car assisting robot in his head as he cranked up the jack.
I then used the only piece of assistance the gas station guys gave and went to the nearby tyre shop, utterly relieved that my spare wasn't flat as had happened to me the last time I was in this predicament! I had various options and after umming and ahhing, bearing in mind my bank balance was not as plentiful as I would've liked I went for the superior brand name tyres, which were much cheaper than they would've been in my neighbourhood, a matching pair, and got the tyre technicians to switch front to back.
Despite the uncertainty of how I will be financing the next ten days, I left that tyre shop with a huge grin on my face. My son found my happy dance, which erupted at regular intervals on the way down the long trafficky road and again mercifully sailing back up, somewhat annoying, but I was just ecstatic. I finally had new tyres!
Not too many days pass without some inspirational allusion to gratitude being the key to happiness, wealth, abundance etc. popping up on my facebook. Being the cheerful soul I am, I'm all for it...I mean it sure is better than moaning albeit if it sounds a tad disingenuous at times. But on this occasion I truly felt it, felt this surge of gratitude. Why?
But having actually, not to mention uncharacteristically, left enough time, I hurried and hassled my son out of the door, (having subjecting him to the indignity of reassigning his outfit and combing through his lengthening afro). Of course I had squeezed in another wee activity on route...buying some healing crystal jewellery for some of my dearest friends...but I digress.
So there I was, driving in traffic when I suddenly realised the fearful noise I was hearing was coming from my car. Without having to think too hard I knew, without a doubt, that it was my tyre. It was a sorry state of affairs...I knew the tyres needed changing, my sister had reiterated it quite forcefully when borrowing my car and getting a flat several months ago. But until I could bring myself to assign the cash in that direction, I'd been making sure to pump the tyres weekly in a hope to buy myself time. I did: about four months...but it was up! So I limped my poor Wingroad through traffic, trying desperately to not envisage the damage I was doing to the rim, and made it to a gas station, naively expecting help. Boy was I wrong on that one! I was harassed and hustled out of the forecourt and left to change the totally destroyed tyre, which looked like it had lost a particularly brutal encounter with a machete, alone.
Fortunately for me, the line I give the bike guys when they balk at my cycle incompetence, that I can totally handle myself with tyre issue on cars turned out to still be true. I changed that tyre like a pro, with a little assistance from my son who I thought may as well learn a useful skill. He of course told me that it was not in fact useful, as in the relatively near future robots would do that kind of arduous chore! But he did sit in the rubble, with the fierce sun beating down on his bounteous curls and assisted, probably designing the car assisting robot in his head as he cranked up the jack.
I then used the only piece of assistance the gas station guys gave and went to the nearby tyre shop, utterly relieved that my spare wasn't flat as had happened to me the last time I was in this predicament! I had various options and after umming and ahhing, bearing in mind my bank balance was not as plentiful as I would've liked I went for the superior brand name tyres, which were much cheaper than they would've been in my neighbourhood, a matching pair, and got the tyre technicians to switch front to back.
Despite the uncertainty of how I will be financing the next ten days, I left that tyre shop with a huge grin on my face. My son found my happy dance, which erupted at regular intervals on the way down the long trafficky road and again mercifully sailing back up, somewhat annoying, but I was just ecstatic. I finally had new tyres!
Not too many days pass without some inspirational allusion to gratitude being the key to happiness, wealth, abundance etc. popping up on my facebook. Being the cheerful soul I am, I'm all for it...I mean it sure is better than moaning albeit if it sounds a tad disingenuous at times. But on this occasion I truly felt it, felt this surge of gratitude. Why?
- I wasn't going at 80+km per hour on the highway when the tyre gave out!
- I got tyres of 60% of the price I would've paid at my local tyre shop!
- I truly am an independent woman who can change a tyre unaided!
- I didn't freak out or cry when the mean gas station attendants didn't help me!
- After months of driving on eggshells so to speak, my car is now totally roadworthy!
...and if all that isn't something to be grateful about...then what is??
Wednesday, 27 August 2014
Green sea turtles and Stingrays!
I love to swim in the ocean. So yesterday it was back to Macqueripe, with my merdaughter in tow, to meet a couple of fellow triathletes.
The water was a little choppy and it was somewhat overcast; however, at certain points the water was crystal clear and yet again, an abundance of sea life could be found.
As we came into the secluded beach that only the more fearless swimmers venture to I slowed down, as there are a lot of rocks, therefore a great deal of marine life. My nephew and his friend had seen 'Baby George' a young sea turtle a couple of days earlier, and as I'd reached a a moment later I'd missed him. So, determined to have my eyes peeled at that very point and not miss a single creature, I peered into the ocean, gliding as tranquilly as I could. Shoals of fish swarmed around including colourful parrot fish and other brightly coloured species I can't name and I revelled in the magic of the situation...of being able to drive my car for 25 minutes and be centimetres away from this array of sea life.
And then I saw it! A full size green sea turtle was gliding through the water towards me, going about its business with no concern for my presence. I could've reached out and touched it, it swam so close. My heart wanted to burst with joy and I stuck my head out of the water to call my daughter so she could experience this natural phenomenon with me; however, she was swimming at speed as apparently her wonderment at seeing the baby turtle which crossed her path was overpowered by the anxiety that a shark may be the next sea dweller she would see!
Filled with childish joy I swam into shore. No one shared in my delight, in fact they all found me somewhat insane for hanging around long enough to take a good look at the creature, and not hightailing it before it attacked me. But I was content. Particularly as I'd seen the exact thing I was looking for.
As we continued our swim, back out to the edge of the bay before returning to shore, I saw something else incredible.
I believe it was a stingray, it was certainly a ray of some description, which could have had deadly venom in its spikes. It was a chocolate brown with yellowy orange spots, perfectly round with a thin tail. Again I was struck by its beauty. I grabbed my daughter's hand to see it, but in micro seconds it was gone, off on its journey to goodness only knows where.
That I had absolutely no anxiety in being in such close proximity to these creatures, while my companions were all freaking out, was interesting to me. Now, I know I've inherited my mother's wonder at all natural wonders of the world, but I also have suffered from varying degrees of anxiety, particularly when in the deep dark sea. However, I think I'll choose not to overanalyse, and instead breathe a sigh of relief that I get such joy from swimming in the sea at the same time as feeling an immense sense of gratitude that I have to opportunity to witness such wonderful scenes. My next dream is to swim with the porpoises who sometimes visit the bay....
The water was a little choppy and it was somewhat overcast; however, at certain points the water was crystal clear and yet again, an abundance of sea life could be found.
As we came into the secluded beach that only the more fearless swimmers venture to I slowed down, as there are a lot of rocks, therefore a great deal of marine life. My nephew and his friend had seen 'Baby George' a young sea turtle a couple of days earlier, and as I'd reached a a moment later I'd missed him. So, determined to have my eyes peeled at that very point and not miss a single creature, I peered into the ocean, gliding as tranquilly as I could. Shoals of fish swarmed around including colourful parrot fish and other brightly coloured species I can't name and I revelled in the magic of the situation...of being able to drive my car for 25 minutes and be centimetres away from this array of sea life.
 |
| Picture taken from internet by Dr. Evan d'Alessandro |
And then I saw it! A full size green sea turtle was gliding through the water towards me, going about its business with no concern for my presence. I could've reached out and touched it, it swam so close. My heart wanted to burst with joy and I stuck my head out of the water to call my daughter so she could experience this natural phenomenon with me; however, she was swimming at speed as apparently her wonderment at seeing the baby turtle which crossed her path was overpowered by the anxiety that a shark may be the next sea dweller she would see!
Filled with childish joy I swam into shore. No one shared in my delight, in fact they all found me somewhat insane for hanging around long enough to take a good look at the creature, and not hightailing it before it attacked me. But I was content. Particularly as I'd seen the exact thing I was looking for.
As we continued our swim, back out to the edge of the bay before returning to shore, I saw something else incredible.
 |
| This is the closest to what I saw, although it was much darker... |
That I had absolutely no anxiety in being in such close proximity to these creatures, while my companions were all freaking out, was interesting to me. Now, I know I've inherited my mother's wonder at all natural wonders of the world, but I also have suffered from varying degrees of anxiety, particularly when in the deep dark sea. However, I think I'll choose not to overanalyse, and instead breathe a sigh of relief that I get such joy from swimming in the sea at the same time as feeling an immense sense of gratitude that I have to opportunity to witness such wonderful scenes. My next dream is to swim with the porpoises who sometimes visit the bay....
Tuesday, 26 August 2014
ALS, ice buckets and me.
So these ice bucket challenges started popping up on my Facebook newsfeed and I remained neutral. I heard some talk on the radio that there was a surfeit of ice and insufficient info on ALS which I thought was fair comment, although the radio hosts defended the challenge passionately.
Then I got nominated....
As you can see I'm wet from the beginning as my dear son's finger accidentally slipped onto the pause button just before the first dunking, but my nephew (the dunker) and I scrambled on the grass for still semi-formed ice cubes and this time we caught it.
Strangely enough, this small little piece of awareness raising, and I made sure to read up on the condition, post some facts and watch the origin of the challenge....caused some controversy, with a friend of mine lambasting me for being narcissistic (in my gym clothes dragged out of the laundry basket...ahem) and somehow commercial!
I was disappointed and flabbergasted by this response, so I had to question myself. But really it's clear to me why I did it. I'm a teacher and this provided an excellent learning opportunity, for myself (I'd never heard of the condition before) for my children and it will certainly come into the classroom come September. I believe awareness raising is always good. It opens dialogues, it leads to greater recognition and it can channel money into a productive direction.
There's the other argument that there are lots of other worthy causes to support...but to me that's a non argument. Of course there are!! Millions! Who's to say which one's more worthy? Certainly not me. The point is there's only so much any one person can do at any one time. So you follow your heart and support what speaks to you, by talking, doing and giving. Supporting this cause doesn't negate any other cause...and even the dialogue that's jumping up about Americans wasting water while a number of developing countries are in drought is a healthy debate which may not have sprung up had the ice bucketers not gone viral.
So in conclusion I'm glad I accepted the challenge, and I will continue to accept challenges. In the meantime, I will build my motivation to put my heart and soul into a cause close to my heart, a cause in which I can make a palpable difference.
As for anyone still insisting on taking a moral high ground on something which is helping thousands of people, I will leave you with this.
Then I got nominated....
Strangely enough, this small little piece of awareness raising, and I made sure to read up on the condition, post some facts and watch the origin of the challenge....caused some controversy, with a friend of mine lambasting me for being narcissistic (in my gym clothes dragged out of the laundry basket...ahem) and somehow commercial!
I was disappointed and flabbergasted by this response, so I had to question myself. But really it's clear to me why I did it. I'm a teacher and this provided an excellent learning opportunity, for myself (I'd never heard of the condition before) for my children and it will certainly come into the classroom come September. I believe awareness raising is always good. It opens dialogues, it leads to greater recognition and it can channel money into a productive direction.
There's the other argument that there are lots of other worthy causes to support...but to me that's a non argument. Of course there are!! Millions! Who's to say which one's more worthy? Certainly not me. The point is there's only so much any one person can do at any one time. So you follow your heart and support what speaks to you, by talking, doing and giving. Supporting this cause doesn't negate any other cause...and even the dialogue that's jumping up about Americans wasting water while a number of developing countries are in drought is a healthy debate which may not have sprung up had the ice bucketers not gone viral.
So in conclusion I'm glad I accepted the challenge, and I will continue to accept challenges. In the meantime, I will build my motivation to put my heart and soul into a cause close to my heart, a cause in which I can make a palpable difference.
As for anyone still insisting on taking a moral high ground on something which is helping thousands of people, I will leave you with this.
Monday, 25 August 2014
Meditation
I started meditating about 3 weeks ago. Of course I'd been meaning to do it for ages, and dabbled in it from time to time. Then of course there are many meditative experiences I have without consciously meditating...writing in a journal on waking, or before sleep, Savasana at the end of a yoga class, running or walking....
But to actually, deliberately meditate on a regular basis has been a whole new experience for me. Suddenly I can swim freely, without anxiety, as if all the battles I'd been having had nothing to do with fitness or muscle building. Running too has become more fluid, and I can now actually understand why someone would choose to run a marathon. Happiness, never exactly lacking for me, has taken on a new quality as again, anxiety is diminishing.
Now there are probably as many ways to meditate as there are people on this planet...so I'll just say what I do...
First I take the countdown from the centering exercise from the Silva Method, which gives you an association for the numbers 3, 2 & 1 to allow you to get into a quiet alert state. Level 3 is for physical relaxation, level 2 is for mental relaxation and level 1 is to let go. Once you've done this meditation alone, the whole way through a couple of times, (it's about 26 minutes) you can just picture and mentally repeat the numbers 3,2 and 1 and get into the meditative state fast.
So after my 3,2,1, I just continue to count backwards. I started at 10 as I know my propensity to lose focus and then get self critical for losing count...however, within a couple of days I allowed myself to progress to 20, and then 100. I can't always get all the way to zero from 100 without getting distracted, but that's OK, I just pick it up or start over. Then if I'm really struggling I go back to 20s or 10s.
At first in order to be able to count all the way down from 10, I visualised the numbers as if they were jumping off a ruler at me, but I don't seem to need to do that any more.
As I sit there, and it's usually about half an hour, (although I may have to cut that once I go back out to work,) I go in and out of awareness. I like to sit on a cushion, on the rug on my balcony and let my pet rabbits hop around. Rabbits are so skittish in general, but when I'm that still, one of them in particular comes and puts her little paws on my leg, or nuzzles me. Sometimes I'm aware of the outdoor sounds: birds, cars, distant voices, phones ringing; sometimes I'm totally zoned out. I try to keep my eyes closed, but then the rabbits knock over something or jump into the guinea pig cage so I peep to check it out.
When enough time seems like it has elapsed I open my eyes. Everything tends to look a bit different, a bit mundane perhaps....the walls look a little too solid, the furniture too static, so I realise I travelled to somewhere more fluid and ethereal. I usually sit a while with a silly smile on my face as the breeze, sometimes from the fan, cools my skin. I always feel peaceful.
So the trick will now be to keep it going on a daily basis, even if the time needs a little cropping. It is working for me just as all the many meditation advocates have been advocating for years! My anxiety levels, which are never crippling, but can be stifling are dropping dramatically....and my triathlon skills seem to be inexplicably improving. I have a great deal I wish to achieve this academic year...so let's see if the meditation will give me the necessary calm to do it all!
But to actually, deliberately meditate on a regular basis has been a whole new experience for me. Suddenly I can swim freely, without anxiety, as if all the battles I'd been having had nothing to do with fitness or muscle building. Running too has become more fluid, and I can now actually understand why someone would choose to run a marathon. Happiness, never exactly lacking for me, has taken on a new quality as again, anxiety is diminishing.
Now there are probably as many ways to meditate as there are people on this planet...so I'll just say what I do...
First I take the countdown from the centering exercise from the Silva Method, which gives you an association for the numbers 3, 2 & 1 to allow you to get into a quiet alert state. Level 3 is for physical relaxation, level 2 is for mental relaxation and level 1 is to let go. Once you've done this meditation alone, the whole way through a couple of times, (it's about 26 minutes) you can just picture and mentally repeat the numbers 3,2 and 1 and get into the meditative state fast.
So after my 3,2,1, I just continue to count backwards. I started at 10 as I know my propensity to lose focus and then get self critical for losing count...however, within a couple of days I allowed myself to progress to 20, and then 100. I can't always get all the way to zero from 100 without getting distracted, but that's OK, I just pick it up or start over. Then if I'm really struggling I go back to 20s or 10s.
At first in order to be able to count all the way down from 10, I visualised the numbers as if they were jumping off a ruler at me, but I don't seem to need to do that any more.
As I sit there, and it's usually about half an hour, (although I may have to cut that once I go back out to work,) I go in and out of awareness. I like to sit on a cushion, on the rug on my balcony and let my pet rabbits hop around. Rabbits are so skittish in general, but when I'm that still, one of them in particular comes and puts her little paws on my leg, or nuzzles me. Sometimes I'm aware of the outdoor sounds: birds, cars, distant voices, phones ringing; sometimes I'm totally zoned out. I try to keep my eyes closed, but then the rabbits knock over something or jump into the guinea pig cage so I peep to check it out.
When enough time seems like it has elapsed I open my eyes. Everything tends to look a bit different, a bit mundane perhaps....the walls look a little too solid, the furniture too static, so I realise I travelled to somewhere more fluid and ethereal. I usually sit a while with a silly smile on my face as the breeze, sometimes from the fan, cools my skin. I always feel peaceful.
So the trick will now be to keep it going on a daily basis, even if the time needs a little cropping. It is working for me just as all the many meditation advocates have been advocating for years! My anxiety levels, which are never crippling, but can be stifling are dropping dramatically....and my triathlon skills seem to be inexplicably improving. I have a great deal I wish to achieve this academic year...so let's see if the meditation will give me the necessary calm to do it all!
Tuesday, 19 August 2014
When life knocks you down...
 |
I love this...it popped up on my Facebook one day, can't quite remember from where... So different from the usual calls to arms!
All we can ever do is enjoy every part of life...the good, the bad and the ugly, and maybe just maybe we've been missing something beautiful that was there all along... |
Monday, 18 August 2014
I've recently started meditating. One of the methods I'm using involves imagining yourself in a place of great beauty. I thought this wonderful list of Astonishing Places that are hard to believe really exist provided some truly inspiring options.
My three favourites:
My three favourites:
Saturday, 16 August 2014
Chikun-flippin-gunya :-(
So it seems that my darling children have Chikungunya, the latest delightful mosquito borne virus to inflict the embattled citizens of Trinidad (as if Dengue wasn't enough, right?)
It's a miserable ailment, with symptoms ranging from high fever, aching bones, joints and muscles, nausea, rashes, headaches, fatigue right through to the worst from the carer's perspective: extreme irritability!!
The real problem though is it lasts for ages....a whole week later and they're still distinctly off colour and fatigued (and did I mention grumpy?) Appetites are also still poor: my son is only eating pasta with salt and star fruit; whereas my daughter is existing on a diet of cranberries and porridge. Fortunately they're sturdy individuals so no one is wasting away...but still ...it's starting to feel somewhat draining.
Then added to all this is the fact that my father has Dengue. This is particularly concerning as it means on the same compound we have both Dengue and Chikungunya, which means we can all get both!
This is even more concerning to me as I had Dengue three years ago, and it was the absolute worst ailment I've ever suffered. For two full weeks I hobbled around with every muscle, bone and ligament aching. I only ate vegetable soup and was forced by the sensation of an ax hacking into the back of my head, to take Panadol every four hours without fail (as an alternative/holistic health type person...this is a big deal!). At least I was saved the excruciating hand and foot itching which my children suffered (yep ...we all went down that time, except of course my ex-common-law-husband whose iron constitution shows why he was born in the Chinese year of the ox), although all the skin on my feet peeled off about six weeks later. The lingering malaise and fatigue wasn't nice either and as the liver tends to be affected my enjoyment of both sashimi and alcohol was utterly compromised for about a year afterwards - a sorry state of affairs indeed.
But that was then. I'm now boosting my immunity in every way I can think of: vitamins, minerals, yoga, not overtraining in triathlon, fruit, veggies, coconut water....and meditation (new to become a one of my everyday practices, along with blogging :-) ) as I have every intention of remaining well. As for spending an entire week running around after sick people...well it did force me to rest a little more than is my custom, also it's good to repay the debts from both the past and the future when my dear family have and may have to run around after me.
It's a miserable ailment, with symptoms ranging from high fever, aching bones, joints and muscles, nausea, rashes, headaches, fatigue right through to the worst from the carer's perspective: extreme irritability!!
The real problem though is it lasts for ages....a whole week later and they're still distinctly off colour and fatigued (and did I mention grumpy?) Appetites are also still poor: my son is only eating pasta with salt and star fruit; whereas my daughter is existing on a diet of cranberries and porridge. Fortunately they're sturdy individuals so no one is wasting away...but still ...it's starting to feel somewhat draining.
Then added to all this is the fact that my father has Dengue. This is particularly concerning as it means on the same compound we have both Dengue and Chikungunya, which means we can all get both!
This is even more concerning to me as I had Dengue three years ago, and it was the absolute worst ailment I've ever suffered. For two full weeks I hobbled around with every muscle, bone and ligament aching. I only ate vegetable soup and was forced by the sensation of an ax hacking into the back of my head, to take Panadol every four hours without fail (as an alternative/holistic health type person...this is a big deal!). At least I was saved the excruciating hand and foot itching which my children suffered (yep ...we all went down that time, except of course my ex-common-law-husband whose iron constitution shows why he was born in the Chinese year of the ox), although all the skin on my feet peeled off about six weeks later. The lingering malaise and fatigue wasn't nice either and as the liver tends to be affected my enjoyment of both sashimi and alcohol was utterly compromised for about a year afterwards - a sorry state of affairs indeed.
But that was then. I'm now boosting my immunity in every way I can think of: vitamins, minerals, yoga, not overtraining in triathlon, fruit, veggies, coconut water....and meditation (new to become a one of my everyday practices, along with blogging :-) ) as I have every intention of remaining well. As for spending an entire week running around after sick people...well it did force me to rest a little more than is my custom, also it's good to repay the debts from both the past and the future when my dear family have and may have to run around after me.
Friday, 15 August 2014
Reflection on Kiddies' Carnival...
One of my greatest joys
of living in Trinidad is seeing the colours, creativity & vibrancy of
Kiddies Carnival . Competitions are held at various locations on the weekends leading up to Carnival, in February/March each year. When I watch the sheer pride with which these children
carry their wired, itchy costumes, through the hot sun, (& occasionally rain,) I regularly get tears
in my eyes.
Had I grown up in Trinidad, I'm sure my major ambition would
have been to be the Junior Queen of the Mas!
 |
| Pictures from Junior Parade of the Bands, St. James, February, 2013. |
Thursday, 14 August 2014
Heading Towards the Sun...
First posted on Facebook on 7th July, 2014.
So on this very day, in 2005, as bombs were going off on buses across London, I left the UK and moved to Trinidad.
We had three trolleys packed up with all our worldly possessions and I really had no idea how my life would change on returning to the country of my birth, but where I'd never actually lived for longer than 5 months.
What an incredible journey! Was it the right decision? Absolutely!! I don't think I've had one second of regret in all those 3285 days. I really and truly love my life. It's tumultuous at times and certainly not easy, but the joy of living in this beautiful, vibrant, colourful (in many senses of the world) island hits me every morning as I wake up; every time I look at the sea or the rich green (or even charred brown) hills; every time a sweet soca tune comes on the radio reminding me of a crazy experience; and every time I feel the sun caress my skin.
We had three trolleys packed up with all our worldly possessions and I really had no idea how my life would change on returning to the country of my birth, but where I'd never actually lived for longer than 5 months.
What an incredible journey! Was it the right decision? Absolutely!! I don't think I've had one second of regret in all those 3285 days. I really and truly love my life. It's tumultuous at times and certainly not easy, but the joy of living in this beautiful, vibrant, colourful (in many senses of the world) island hits me every morning as I wake up; every time I look at the sea or the rich green (or even charred brown) hills; every time a sweet soca tune comes on the radio reminding me of a crazy experience; and every time I feel the sun caress my skin.
The Sugar Daddy Dialogue
So I had a conversation today with a male friend of mine, a facebook chat so not face to face, and I’ll say he’s not someone who knows me too well, certainly not the full idealistic, puritanical, pedantic side…. but anyway when we got to discusses the excruciatingly extortionate cost of carnival costumes this year, and the fact that feathers in a band with the theme of wings, are now at a premium, he suggested finding me a ‘Sugar Daddy’.
Needless to say my independent feminist side was aghast, and my initial response was ‘no way’! But then I got to thinking, ‘what if he has a friend or acquaintance who’d be my perfect match?’ (Did I mention my high level of optimisim??)
So I laid out my requirements…usual things…age, fitness, attractiveness, sense of humour…so he asked ‘married or single, or doesn’t it matter?’ I stipulated ‘single’ in no uncertain terms and he seemed to get a bit pensive, then he said, “Do u really expect to find that kinda guy in this day and age?” and from then on the conversation was pretty much over, with expressions of ‘good luck’ etc. thrown in. He clearly thought I was bordering on insanity to even expect to meet someone prepared to have an exclusive relationship, and we didn’t even get to the ‘L’ word.
So that is apparently where we’ve reached. A woman over forty, or I suspect even over thirty, should expect to share a man with goodness only knows how many other women in exchange for monetary gain, if she’s really lucky….and if she’s not so fortunate... in exchange for occasional ahem 'love making' (and I’m assuming the added bonus of STDs)! Expecting any more appears to be considered almost certifiable.
Fortunately, in my case I’m armed with eternal optimism. I do also know of a number of men who I have on good authority, are actually absolutely single (for now) and have a number of admirable qualities. I am pretty content being single; however, at times I do crave the comfort of a relationship. So I will retain my high hopes for humanity and believe that the next man I start a relationship with will, in fact, be single, available and have some truly lovable qualities.
The Look
My eyes, black, bold, bore holes in your soul.
My eyes, black, bold, bore holes in your soul.
My lips, a raspberry shade of promise.
Hair, falls in curls, or frizzes into a halo.
Skin soft, like a baby's.
Cheeks, retaining juvenile chub, despite the spider's webs forming round my eyes as I smile.
Blemishes come and go, with my volatile nature.
Breasts were never pert,
Belly scarred by energetic, intolerant babies,
As surly in utero as their teenage selves.
Waist like an hour glass, hips broad.
Legs proportionately long, or torso short?
Butt fleshy...
Funny what is so attractive to the male is an anathema to the female...
Am I beautiful?
I scan the mirror searching...
...searching for the evidence of people's words.
Are they seeing my physical self or my soul?
Why do they seek to flatter?
Is the confusion caused by my tumultuous heart, by my hyperactive brain, by my over zealous urge to understand and please...
Or by my look, my looking,
My searching deeper, penetrating your very essence?
But I cannot do otherwise.
I dress, bejewel, augment.
I smile at the caricature of my natural self, giggling a little at the transformation.
Not that anyone has ever been fooled, and nor have I.
So strength and a certain look,
Depth and a promise to run the course
Unrelenting pursuit of passions
And discomfiting eyes.
Is it a monster I've created?
I sit back, sipping coffee, or wine
Or rum, tequila or vodka...
I feel as people come in and out of my energy sphere,
Vibrating with me, perfectly in tune for a moment, a while, a time...
Until the harmony abruptly ends, the discordant chords begin to clash
The fragile ethereal skin of the bubble stretches, then bursts...
or disintegrates with the brief brush of a lit cigarette...
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